bare white

bare white


From My Heart of Brokeness to Theirs...Part TWO...Even If & Hope

My fear is,  part two is really part two of many
My fear is, Truth is being clouded by comfort
My fear is, safety has become the enemy

In a matter of mere hours a church was shot up by a mad man, and two marriages of two friends are falling not together but apart. One hurting, and the other hurting beyond repair that human eyes can see. And there is pain...a deep, mountian-weight of pain. (But oh, don't we know God does not have human eyes and we are never too far gone from His repair?)
My stomach is in absolute knots that keep tangling tighter, tighter and deeper. It is one thing to write about hurt and pain in a world that is still vastly foreign to me as I sit in my minuscule corner of a small, midwest town; it is another thing to hear and process the hurt in the lives of friends. Real live hurt. And yet, that same hurt fills our entire doesn't leave any untouched because it shows no preference. But we have Hope.
So many stories are being written into the very fabric of our lives; all hoping for their happy ending. I see it on my kids faces as they stare with the same horror at the screen that reveals to us the depravity in Sutherland Springs Texas. How can life change so drastically in the blink of an eye? What happened to worshipping in a safe pew? And yet, none of us will not receive our happy ending. Not here. Not now. Not in Texas. Not a real, lasting, happy ending. Not on this side of Eternity. And sometimes it hurts like hell, but we have Hope.

It is hard to wrestle with the thoughts of just wanting to shrink back and not be brave and choose safety first. I fight the desire of wanting to make walls a little taller to protect our little world we (think) exists. I hear it in my kids voices again as they talk with us and among themselves. Fears of the "what ifs" that could happen. And there was a time we would have altered our decisions after seeing this insanely real news from Texas. I would have built our fortress a little thicker, stronger, making sure no holes were there to let any of the evil in. But I am changing. We are changing. Instead our fortress is being broken down brick by pretend brick and perspectives are changing. My perspective is changing. Instead of my hole-y protection I want God's holy protection because, "there are no 'if's in God's world.  And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety..." (The Hiding Place, page 67) And the center of His will isn't always the safe place to be, the "makes sense" route. Infact, often it doesn't make sense at all to my American mind. But what Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (Daniel 3) faced in the fiery furnace...that did NOT make human sense. Infact, I am certain, it would be the very definition of insanity. Their response to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But EVEN IF He doesn't, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."
Do I live with this same faith, same Hope, same bravery, same everything they did? Or have I let fears of Texan shooters fill my mind with doubt and weak walls of protection? Will I say Even if...I will sing your praise? Or do I say only if I am safe, my kids are safe, we have food on the table and lives filled with comfort including a safe pew to worship in (fill in your blank)...then I will praise you?

Because the American mind often lives the American Dream of not needing really anything that we can't get on our own,  I realize this dream has seeped into my thinking, into the raising of our kids and yes, even into my studying of the Word. The "not needing" has weakened me instead of doing what it is supposed to do in America - make me stronger. And that just doesn't make sense unless you are looking through spiritual lenses.

In this building of dreams I forgot, and maybe at times intentionally let it slip my mind,  that we are in a battle. A battle for eternal. "There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by satan." (C.S. Lewis) If we are in a battle, then why am I spending time teaching my kids to be safe from ____? No, not safe anymore! Brave. Brave enough to follow the One who leads us. Brave enough to put on the spiritual armor for this battle. Brave enough for the front lines. Brave enough to see the hurt and (I have said it before) run to not shrink back. Brave enough to be in the WORD, know the word, pick up that sword and fight for Truth! Brave enough to see our greatest need is our need of a Savior and His deep, deep LOVE for us is what sets us free to live with our hands off of our  life and the way we think it should go - the way I think my kids life should go - the way I think my marriage should go. And that bravery doesn't make sense.

 And maybe, that safety I was imparting to my kids and the safety I desired for myself just made us numb to the ugly truth that lives around us and weak in our faith and Hope. Maybe this safety kept us from seeing needs...real, human needs. Maybe this safety effected our every decision. Maybe this safety has done the exact opposite of what I thought it would...instead of prepare us for battle it has prepared us to live a completely self centered life. Our view is too narrow. Instead of seeing Hope we see only hopeless pain. But I want to see Hope. I want my kids to see Hope, know Hope, live in Hope. And we do that when our eyes see life through the lens of eternity. In light of eternity so much becomes I live suddenly becomes so much less about me and so much more about people. Shout it from the mountain top...we are NEVER without Hope and Hope has a name...Jesus! HE is the reason we live and move and breath and His name is beautiful. He is the reason I don't want to live safe but only on my knees. He is the reason I want to live in brave surrender following Him. And I pray that this is the Hope my kids know and pass along to all they meet.

So here we are again, facing another tragedy. Will I say, like those crazy, insane heroes,  "even if"...I will praise you? I'm fighting for the even if. Will we be the ones always with Hope and will we pass this Hope to all we come in contact with? I am fighting for Hope.


Beauty for Ashes and Bloody Toes

I have watched her for years in the studio meticulously taping her toes day after day trying to find the right way or at least just a way that helps. Some ways have worked for a few minutes, some not at all, some for an hour, but never completely. There is nothing more I have wanted to do than to tell her to stop. "You gave it a long go. It's okay, just be done and save your feet for the rest of your life." Because, to me, that seems wisest and safest. But I can't. I can't say it because I see what it does to her when she gets what she has worked so hard for.  I can't say it because when she dances, there is a fire that ignites in her eyes. I can't say it because I know, for this moment right now, she was made for this.

"I believe God made me for a purpose, but I also believe God made me fast and when I run I feel His pleasure." (Eric Liddell)
Every painful dance, every equally grace filled dance - it does something to her.
I see it.
I hear it.
I watch it.
And I am left in awe.
From the pain arises a beauty that words can never fully describe.

I watched her again the other night, trying out a new taping method and I was so tempted to tell her to throw in the towel. As I watched her intently, still after years of not understanding fully how she does what she does, because I was never a dancer, it hit me with an absolute wonderment. I don't know how or why it didn't hit me before this night.
No beautiful thing comes without a trail of ashes behind it.
No ounce of loveliness is made without a hard, sometimes ugly story.
No prepossessing thing exists without muscle being torn, then built up and pain being had, then healed.

As I looked at her, I commented,
"I know this is hard, I know you are in pain, but from it is coming a beautiful dance! And you know what? When you dance it is obvious you feel His pleasure. So dance for him Addi - don't leave anything in the dressing room or studio floor. When you leave that stage, no matter how it turns out, may you know without a shadow or doubt, you gave it everything you had...for HIS glory!"

After she left for another night of class, I smirked to myself and thought...isn't this similar when you become a mom? By birth, by adoption, by just pouring your heart completely out into the life of another. There is an indescribable pain you will feel, a deep hurt you will know, a fear that will leave you breathless at times, and scarred...oh the scars! Wether you gave birth to that child or they were placed in your arms by know what I mean. And yet, we move forward one brave step at a time. Though those heavy steps don't always feel brave. In fact, dare I say it, most of my steps seem to be filled with questioning and fears and sometimes, in all REALness...I feel like I can't go on.

"Then I think that maybe courage is not all about the absence of fear but about obedience EVEN when we are afraid. Maybe courage is trusting when we don't know what is next, leaning into the hard and knowing that it will be hard, but more, God will be near." (Kate Majors, Daring to Hope)

Maybe scars aren't bad. Maybe they are just a part of my story, her dance. Maybe those pains are what make us exactly who we are created to be. Maybe in the pain is when we see our deep need. Maybe if we share our stories, and our dance with each other in a REAL-life way, maybe then true bravery comes because we realize that beauty really does come from burned up by fire ashes. Maybe this is when comparisons will fade, judgements shatter, and words will finally bring life because this is when we see stories unfold and grace beheld and love become so much stronger.

Is it possible to live a beautiful life, a life that is really beauty FULL without ashes?
I say no.
Maybe what we think is beautiful might actually be fake. Because here it is, I only see beauty in REAL life lived which is full of taped toes, blistered and bloody heals, sharp pains, and disappearing toenails. I see beauty in stories of real, scarred life. I see beauty in brokenhearts - mended, prisoners - set free, scars - healed. So unique. Never two the same. Never. And this, THIS is real beauty.

"The Spirit of the LORD is upon me..He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting, so they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that He may be glorified." (Isaiah 61:1-3)


How did I Became an Idol Builder?

I have fallen for them like a bad relationship.
I have caved to their attractive front.
I have lived them and kept up the facade, caring for it meticulously.
I have built them up, brick by heavy brick.

And now (finally), I am tired of them and their chains and the weight they add to my life and only want REAL.
A real grace-filled life not a perfect one. Real, gracious love by a real grace-FULL Savior. Real forgiveness that is not dependent on me or my works or lack there of.

The trends and ideas (and there are too many to count) that communicate being a good, right, holy parent by choosing the good, right, holy things that will produce good, right holy kids... it is not true. It is a false idea! But I bought that idea...hook, line and sinker. And what it did was produce little idols that stand in the dusty corners of my mind. Never, did I think 'parenting' would build idols or that the 'having children' would become an idol. It wasn't intentional, but it happened.

The thought process I have manicured :
I thought I could be "Jesus" to my kids by putting them in the right places at the right times filled with the right friends. IDOL
I thought I could be "Jesus" to my kids by keeping them safe, free from certain kinds of storms, free from ugly pain, free from unneeded hurt. IDOL
I thought I could be "Jesus" to my kids by showing them their faults - even gently and graciously at times, helping them choose better next time and showing them how to be disciplined enough to make the rights decisions most of the time. IDOL
I thought I could be "Jesus" by giving them the best education, involving them in the best things and teaching them to obey. IDOL
I thought I could be "Jesus" to the world by having obedient kids, helpful kids, kind kids who spoke kind words, loving words and opened doors for anyone. IDOL
I thought I could be "Jesus" to the world showing them what a put-together family looks like, talks like, eats like, dresses like, plays like. IDOL
I thought I could be "Jesus" to anyone by building a beautiful facade, free of weeds and yuck only to find we are steeped in those weeds and yuck. IDOL

What I failed to see in my web I carefully crafted was I cannot "be" Jesus to anyone, let alone my own kids. I can only NEED Jesus and be real enough to allow that desperate need to not be hidden from them, pretending it doesn't exist or I have somehow figured "it" out.
When I need Him the most is in storms, in hurt, in pain, in desperation (even in the mundane). Instead of fearing the storms and avoiding the hurt and turning this direction and that to keep them or me away from the pain and desperation, when those things come (and they will) what if I walked right into it and let them see me drop to my knees. On cue. Without another thought. Drop. Pray to the One I need in my weakness. Ugh! This is so hard. It laughs in the face of strength.
And yet, what if in my weakness, that is when I am really strong? It may be a catchy and even overused phrase, but what if it is really, actually, wholly true? What if on my knees IS where I am really meant to be? What if in the middle of the pain and broken and desperation and hurt - that is where I see Jesus, kneeling, comforting, holding, praying, healing, loving. Such real life. What if all of those perfect scenarios and perfectly learned lessons and perfectly scripted answers I gave my kids really just gave them nothing more that complacency and a need to perform for men? Because, you know what? That is exactlywhat it did for me. I lost my First Love. And yet I had the right things to say at the right time and as I did say those right things, it just built in my complacent idols. (Revelation 2:1-5)
What if showing them their agonizing need for Jesus starts by letting them see my agonizing need for Jesus EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. OF. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And that it is impossible to be self sufficient when we realize our need is so great? There is pain and hurt in this broken world that we live in and they will never get away from it. But should they? Should I? 

It is interesting...the word Christian - "little Christ". So many Believers use those words, me included. Really though, I don't know the half of what they really mean. "Little Christ"...He didn't run from broken and weak. He ran into the nucleus of it and lived there and taught there and broke bread there and then, after His short life, died there. For me, for you and that is perfect Love. And that perfect love is what casts out fear. (1 John 4:18)

It has been there since almost the beginning...pain, sin. Cain and Abel, Moses, Abraham, Samsom, Jonah, Job, Daniel, David, the 12 disciples, Rahab, Esther - I could go on and on. I read about Rahab this morning and as soon as I started reading I felt the ugly, pride-filled rub of those idols, thinking I would have done it differently and for certain would not have used a harlot in my grand plans of attack. Do you see, though, the same pattern that slammed into my sight? All of those real life stories are full of weakness, hurt, pain, deceit, depression, doubt, anxiety, murder, sexual sins, anger, broken families, fear. And yet, their NEED for God, their dependance on God, and their Faith in God is what made their weakness - strong, their hurt - healed, their doubt - belief, their fear - brave -brave enough to follow...Most importantly - their Sin - completely Forgiven!

I think I have thought too much of myself thinking it all depended on me. Who do I think I am in light of my Savior's Grace...I mean really? I have been wondering what freedom in parenting really looked like. I have been so curious about grace-FILLED parenting. Now I am beginning to see, it has less to do with me being right and everything to do with me being fully on my knees, or even flat on my face before God. It has nothing to do with me being right rather me becoming Holy like my Savior. It has nothing to do with me being right and producing certain behaviors but rather me being obedient and brave enough to let my kids see I don't have it all together, or all the answers BUT I do have God and He is in all of the answers! It has nothing to do with ME being right and everything to do with HIS glory and sweet forgiveness. Undo me, Jesus!

I recently read a book by Leslie Leyland Fields. Her penned words have opened my eyes and done a work in my life that God began two years ago. She writes,
"We have made far too much of ourselves and far too little of God. We have adopted our culture's belief that we are the primary shapers of our children. And that we have control over who they are and who they become." (Leslie Leyland Fields)
Hook, Line and Sinker...yes! I fell for it the ideas instead of falling into my Savior.
And so I write this not just for anyone, I write this for me; to give freedom to ME, my kids...We aren't that good kids, we NEED Jesus. We cannot BE Jesus to anyone - we can just show that we have Hope. A Hope that is found on nothing less than Jesus blood and HIS righteousness. (Edward Mote - 1797-1874)


From my Heart's Brokenness to Yours and Theirs

A Letter to my kids:

I want you to know and experience grace. A grace so deep and so wide that it changes you at the core of who you are. A grace so intimate that when you see, hear and watch horrors that unfold in the news what you really see is brokenness, a sin-full world filled with hurting people not politics. AND yes, please, please see the heroes that arise to help.  I want that to MOVE you so deeply that you can't help but move toward the the brokenness, suffering, and pain. Don't be afraid of it!
There will also be a time, I am confident, when you will be accused of label(s) that are incorrect. When that "label" is placed on you it might possibly stir something inside of you that you don't expect...maybe anger, maybe hurt, maybe confusions, maybe just sadness and what I want to tell you is to still walk in grace, deep, abounding grace.
All of this is a part of the life we live in a world filled with sin and in need of a Savior.
Graciously and redemptively, God uses these things to make you more like Him...yes, even the barbarity you see on that screen in our living room. 

So can I help you with your perspective before you leave our home? Not because my perspective is always right, but infact the opposite...because I have made many mistakes and God is using HIS refining fire to do just that, refine.  Dad and I aren't trying to raise you according to pop culture (Pop Culture : Cultural activities or commercial products reflecting, suited to, or aimed at the tastes of the general m./ masses of people. -Webster's Dictionary). Not because it is necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it could be. But so could the flip side of avoiding all culture. Nor are we trying to raise you in a safe bubble. Safe from pain, safe from hurt, safe from broke. No - not that either. Both could actually become idols in your life and serve only to puff you up and you become full of yourself.

We are, however, striving to train you to be in the world and yet not of the world; to see broken people and respond in grace and truth instead of running from it; to be light in darkness; to hear your Savior's voice in a  world full if distraction; to not be afraid to be broken if it means you grow closer to your Savior and more like Him.
Addison, as you are on the brink of high school (how can it be already?) this will make the most sense to you and the rub of what this really looks like. It is a rub that is sometimes uncomfortable, painful and just plain hard - Being in and yet not of the world. We desire so deeply for you to be who GOD uniquely created you to be which means beating to the drum your Creator put inside of you. This will look differently for each of you because you are all fearfully and wonderfully made for a specific purpose.  With nothing to prove to anyone, you are only living for One. There will always be someone to say you aren't doing the right activities because a different activity is better or more important. Some will say "this" or "that" is too dangerous. Some will say you are crazy to run to the hurt and brokenness of the world. Some will say you need to be more safe. Some will say you aren't involved enough, some will say too much. Others will have an opinion of how you dress, act, speak, what you wear, read and watch. Some will say you wear too much make- up or not enough, they'll say your hair is too long or too short, you don't wear the right shoes , your jeans are too trendy or not trendy enough and the list could go on and on... I know you know.
Let me be clear, I don't care about pop culture or where you fit into it.  What I do care about - is that you are who God made you to be with nothing to prove to anyone. You have nothing to prove because in light of what our Savior did on the cross, we have nothing to give. The price has been paid. We are broken, angry, unkind, liars, selfish, pride-filled and slanderers. We have nothing to prove because we, on our own, will always come up short. Infact, only a perfect Savior who died for us can make us whole . You have nothing to prove because Jesus is ALL and in HIM ALONE we are complete and He loves you exactly how you are with nothing to prove. I know I am repeating those words over and over, but very intentionally...may you never forget!

So, whether you or dad or me fall too close to pop culture, or not close enough to pop culture, honestly, I don't care. Why? Because, my loves, what I DO know is we are only saved by His grace. And grace is something we can always offer and give. Drop your judgements! Let them fall...fall hard and shatter and give grace! There is not one thing we can do or not do that will add to our Salvation making us "more saved".  Live in the freedom that it brings - it is a GIFT! And offer that gift to others because you never know what their story really is unless you dare to ask, unless you dare to draw near, unless you dare to not be afraid to be broken.

The graciously beautiful thing... Jesus' time here on earth was, in fact, not spent with just one type of person. He spent time on earth with all walks of life because He came to seek and save the lost. Did you hear that...the LOST! Not just the cool, not just the smart, not those who fit pop culture or don't, not just the nature lover, homeschooler, public schooler or private schooler. Not the just the athletes or dancers or musicians. Not just those who look like you or nothing like you at all. What cheap grace that would be! He came for the LOST and at one time we were all lost - completely lost, not partially lost. Wholly lost! It is NOT as if we can be good enough, righteous enough or smart enough! Thank you Jesus for your sweet, sweet grace that abounds deep within our souls and is not cheapened by any value we can possibly give it or attempt to give it! 

Rather than continuing our or your generation's fascination with labels and opinions may it be that you, my crazies, align yourself with the word of God alone and are not afraid to run to brokenness. And may it be that the only label that fits you is the one God already assigned to you - HIS. Renew yourself by His word every single day and walk confidently that we are all made in His image even when we look different. Let His light shine from you in a dark world because light shines so much brighter in darkness. Don't walk in fear, never fear. Be brave enough, by His strength, to be a follower - HIS. And know, that when you are a follower, He may lead you to the heart of utter depravity, or to the basketball court, or to your neighborhood or to your family, or across the country or world to be HIS light. Shine!

Love, Mom


I don't do...

"Comparison is the THIEF of joy!" 
-Theodore Rosevelt

I dare say I have let a Thief into my house, my mind, and my heart a time or 2... or a thousand.  Looking to my left and right to see what other moms, families, and neighbors are doing can often distract me from what I know I should be doing. Yes, there are times seeing what works for others can really encourage and rejuvenate.  But sometimes it just steals my joy and contentment. What this looks like for me :

- Comparison - do my kids know that? Do that? Have the ability to do that? Can I keep my house that way? Am I ahead (let's be REAL I caught up?) with my laundry? Am I reading the BEST books? Eating the BEST food? Involving myself in the BEST things?
(I think you could actually make a pretty strong argument that the "best" things in life might just be what we idolize the most and distract us the most from keeping eternity in view...hmmm)

I could go on and on - fill in the blank for your own proverbial "thing". 

Addison and I were talking recently about what makes her unique and comparison to others did not make the list. But then again, neither did things like her long hair, her ballet abilities, her creativity, her love of reading...none of those were on the list I gave her. There was one thing on her list that makes her unique. It is HER - exactly how God made her to be. He didn't make anyone else like her - no one! Her ability to be unique is found in her identity in Christ and living that out because, there is no one else in this world that can be Addison Renae White. So if she gets caught in the trap of trying to be like someone else as a result of comparison, she is no longer fulfilling her unique calling to be HER. Sure, blue hair is a fun accessory, but not what would make her unique.

The same is true for my family, for ME. Letting that thief of comparison in gave me chains that I am now desperately shaking free!

Galatians 5:13, 16, 25-26 - "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another...But I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh...If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." 

I could type out all of Galatians 5 - it is so powerful in setting us free from Comparison, and Rivalry. God's word in Hebrews is called the "Law of Liberty" and I LOVE that! I only want to align myself with His word. I desire to live a life honoring to Him, pleasing to Him and His word gives Freedom. Freedom is NOT 'live however I want to live'. God has given us freedom to know Him (And how do we KNOW him? By His Word -the Bible), Freedom to live for Him, Freedom to worship Him, Freedom to love Him, Freedom to hear Him.

SO here is what I did. I made an "I Don't Do..." list. 
This list is not meant to compare or be legalistic. Infact, it's the exact opposite. Before I made this list, I was feeling a certain amount of guilt for things we recently chose not to do or to do depending on your perspective. After I made this list, it gave me a sense of contentment in our decisions that I longed for. There is no power in the actual list, but the practice of writing it out is what set me free from the aforementioned, self inflicted guilt.

1) I don't do real dishes in this season of my life...almost never
2) I don't sort socks
3) I don't fold my kids laundry
4) We don't do Santa (and no judgement on those that do...I just can't afford my kids lists to Santa)
5) I don't do large groups at Restaurants (rarely an just stresses me out)
6) We don't vacation with other families right now - Our family vacation is #1 and we don't have the ability to do multiple vacations in this season, and that's okay.
7) We don't camp - maybe someday but that day is not now and it won't be in a tent.
8) We don't have a set lunch in the summertime.

Trying to appear "cool"...after his eyes were dilated
"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." (II Cor. 10:12) 

This list may grow and change. I want it to as I grow and change. I refer to this list often (having a 'DO' list is helpful too!) For now though, the 'DONT' list has helped me regain focus and shake those chains off. What is on your 'don't' list?  Share it with me, I would love to hear. Or what is on your 'do' list? And how has it set you free from comparison? 


My journey with Shadd Houston the past 525,949.2 minutes

It's always interesting thinking back over the last year, 365 days, 52 weeks, 525,949.2 minutes. Sometimes it is with great sentiment we reminisce. Sometimes with regret. Sometimes with fear or anxiety. Sometimes unexplainable joy. Looking back involves emotions that are enjoyable to relive or possibly bring a sense of dread. For me, the last year has included all of the above and to be honest, something I thought I would never write about…let alone after years of barely blogging about anything. A few months ago I started thinking about putting the past 365 days into words.  I continued to dismiss it, not knowing how or what to even say because the words and memories left me feeling anxious...deeply anxious. Now, a few days (update: Saturday, the 15th) away from that 1 year mark, I feel a deep need to write it out. Maybe, just maybe, one other mom may feel encouraged. 

363 days ago, I was sitting on my bed crocheting the days away because I was on bedrest. I had been on bedrest for a few weeks because our little man was wanting to come too early. Being number 7, I wasn't too terribly worried because, well…this wasn't my first rodeo and all of our other kids came early. Him coming early was about to be the only thing that seemed "normal" to me after his delivery.

He did arrive early but still somewhat in the safe range. He was small, but I have small babies. He had jaundice and blood sugar issues for a bit but nothing too alarming and we have had that before with other babies.  Overall, he was a healthy, precious boy and all of our hearts melted at the sight and smell of him. Oh that newborn smell!! It is intoxicating, isn't it? The baby moon lasted the typical 2 weeks and it really was lovely. I deeply cherish those first two weeks.
Somewhere around week three, I noticed his temperament was changing and he was becoming more fussy. Our last 3 babies were not fussy and quite easy, and in my pride I thought we had "figured out" this 'having-babies-thing'. Our oldest two were very fussy babies, but then each one became progressively easier, so you can probably see why I thought I had figured out how to have and raise content babies. God, in His utter mercy, was beginning to show me  how much I desperately need Him... every day. Not just with easy and content babies, but with every baby. Every moment. Every second. Oh how I need Him!

As his fussiness increased so did my anxiety. After each of my other births, I had dealt briefly with baby blues and the feelings of anxiousness but never unbearable and it didn't last long at all. I assumed that would be the case with Shadd. Not so. Infact, not so in the least. Days and weeks went by and he became more and more unsettled in the evenings. My back would so badly hurt from holding him for so long in the middle of the night.  And the healing process for me in just delivering him was unlike any I had experienced thus far. Different medications were prescribed and finally one worked for a fierce bladder infection I could not get rid of. Once that was done and over, after weeks of effort, my anxiety started rising even more. Slowly, that anxiety started turning to depression and I became very frightened and scared trying to work through feelings and thoughts I had never had before. I kept them to myself until Shadd was about 4 months old. (I have since learned a common thread with Post Partum Depression is denial and not talking about it - so true for me) At that time, I read an article that had popped into my Facebook feed about a mom who had just committed suicide after dealing with Post Partum depression quietly for almost a year and I couldn't believe what I was reading. That night, in typical fashion of trying all of the holding positions and none working to get my buddy asleep I broke down after being in denial. I told my husband, through heaving tears, what I had been feeling and thinking for months. He graciously took Shadd, told me I was going to go to my OB in the morning and allowed me time by myself to just cry out to the Lord all of the tears and fears I had been holding in for far too long. I  reached a breaking point I didn't even know I had.

Like in the movies, what I would love to tell you is I was prescribed medicine and Shadd got better and everything has been lovely since. In actuality, I was prescribed medicine. I took it and experienced awful side effects. I do feel like that had been my peak and slowly, SLOWLY my hormones were starting to come back to normal range.  It was a roller coaster ride to get back to normal (whatever normal is) and still peaking at times in what felt like panic attacks. The difference this time -  just being able to confide in my husband and a couple friends as my doctor highly recommended. It actually made ALL the difference being able to verbalize what was going on in my head. That and a song I found "on accident" (no it wasn't an accident…sometime I will tell that story - it was completely the Holy Spirit).  Music has always had a powerful effect in my life and this song was on repeat. Sometimes ALL day.

Since then, Shadd has continued to grow and change and SLEEP and the anxiety is few and far inbetween. He turns one on Saturday (7/15 today!)  and is pretty consistent in sleeping through the night now…kind of. He is still one of our most challenging babies, but you know the crazy thing, I have learned more through a baby about my Heavenly Father's love and compassion than I knew was possible. I have grown spiritually and been convicted of pride & opinions in my life that I have put-on myself & others unknowingly when, in actuality, Jesus says He sets us free from those chains.  Only God can use a sweet, adorable baby to teach his adult children. I don't know what Shadd will be like in the future…as of now he is intense and adorable! He is aggressive and yet sweet. He seems opinionated just by how he responds to people, but yet content in my arms. What I DO know,  I am so thankful he is here and in our family and God saw fit to bless us with his LIFE! I am, now, so thankful for the journey (thus far) to get to where we are today…celebrating HIS 1 year birthday. Hind sight is 20-20 right? Hind sight shows me it is all worth it. Every tear. Every fear. Every doubt. Every smile. Every laugh. Thank you Jesus for this gift that came from You!