It's always interesting thinking back over the last year, 365 days, 52 weeks, 525,949.2 minutes. Sometimes it is with great sentiment we reminisce. Sometimes with regret. Sometimes with fear or anxiety. Sometimes unexplainable joy. Looking back involves emotions that are enjoyable to relive or possibly bring a sense of dread. For me, the last year has included all of the above and to be honest, something I thought I would never write about…let alone after years of barely blogging about anything. A few months ago I started thinking about putting the past 365 days into words. I continued to dismiss it, not knowing how or what to even say because the words and memories left me feeling anxious...deeply anxious. Now, a few days (update: Saturday, the 15th) away from that 1 year mark, I feel a deep need to write it out. Maybe, just maybe, one other mom may feel encouraged.
363 days ago, I was sitting on my bed crocheting the days away because I was on bedrest. I had been on bedrest for a few weeks because our little man was wanting to come too early. Being number 7, I wasn't too terribly worried because, well…this wasn't my first rodeo and all of our other kids came early. Him coming early was about to be the only thing that seemed "normal" to me after his delivery.
He did arrive early but still somewhat in the safe range. He was small, but I have small babies. He had jaundice and blood sugar issues for a bit but nothing too alarming and we have had that before with other babies. Overall, he was a healthy, precious boy and all of our hearts melted at the sight and smell of him. Oh that newborn smell!! It is intoxicating, isn't it? The baby moon lasted the typical 2 weeks and it really was lovely. I deeply cherish those first two weeks.
Somewhere around week three, I noticed his temperament was changing and he was becoming more fussy. Our last 3 babies were not fussy and quite easy, and in my pride I thought we had "figured out" this 'having-babies-thing'. Our oldest two were very fussy babies, but then each one became progressively easier, so you can probably see why I thought I had figured out how to have and raise content babies. God, in His utter mercy, was beginning to show me how much I desperately need Him... every day. Not just with easy and content babies, but with every baby. Every moment. Every second. Oh how I need Him!
As his fussiness increased so did my anxiety. After each of my other births, I had dealt briefly with baby blues and the feelings of anxiousness but never unbearable and it didn't last long at all. I assumed that would be the case with Shadd. Not so. Infact, not so in the least. Days and weeks went by and he became more and more unsettled in the evenings. My back would so badly hurt from holding him for so long in the middle of the night. And the healing process for me in just delivering him was unlike any I had experienced thus far. Different medications were prescribed and finally one worked for a fierce bladder infection I could not get rid of. Once that was done and over, after weeks of effort, my anxiety started rising even more. Slowly, that anxiety started turning to depression and I became very frightened and scared trying to work through feelings and thoughts I had never had before. I kept them to myself until Shadd was about 4 months old. (I have since learned a common thread with Post Partum Depression is denial and not talking about it - so true for me) At that time, I read an article that had popped into my Facebook feed about a mom who had just committed suicide after dealing with Post Partum depression quietly for almost a year and I couldn't believe what I was reading. That night, in typical fashion of trying all of the holding positions and none working to get my buddy asleep I broke down after being in denial. I told my husband, through heaving tears, what I had been feeling and thinking for months. He graciously took Shadd, told me I was going to go to my OB in the morning and allowed me time by myself to just cry out to the Lord all of the tears and fears I had been holding in for far too long. I reached a breaking point I didn't even know I had.
Like in the movies, what I would love to tell you is I was prescribed medicine and Shadd got better and everything has been lovely since. In actuality, I was prescribed medicine. I took it and experienced awful side effects. I do feel like that had been my peak and slowly, SLOWLY my hormones were starting to come back to normal range. It was a roller coaster ride to get back to normal (whatever normal is) and still peaking at times in what felt like panic attacks. The difference this time - just being able to confide in my husband and a couple friends as my doctor highly recommended. It actually made ALL the difference being able to verbalize what was going on in my head. That and a song I found "on accident" (no it wasn't an accident…sometime I will tell that story - it was completely the Holy Spirit). Music has always had a powerful effect in my life and this song was on repeat. Sometimes ALL day.Since then, Shadd has continued to grow and change and SLEEP and the anxiety is few and far inbetween. He turns one on Saturday (7/15 today!) and is pretty consistent in sleeping through the night now…kind of. He is still one of our most challenging babies, but you know the crazy thing, I have learned more through a baby about my Heavenly Father's love and compassion than I knew was possible. I have grown spiritually and been convicted of pride & opinions in my life that I have put-on myself & others unknowingly when, in actuality, Jesus says He sets us free from those chains. Only God can use a sweet, adorable baby to teach his adult children. I don't know what Shadd will be like in the future…as of now he is intense and adorable! He is aggressive and yet sweet. He seems opinionated just by how he responds to people, but yet content in my arms. What I DO know, I am so thankful he is here and in our family and God saw fit to bless us with his LIFE! I am, now, so thankful for the journey (thus far) to get to where we are today…celebrating HIS 1 year birthday. Hind sight is 20-20 right? Hind sight shows me it is all worth it. Every tear. Every fear. Every doubt. Every smile. Every laugh. Thank you Jesus for this gift that came from You!
