Feeling relieved this little one is protected still from this world...
then feeling bad that I feel that relief when so much hurt is felt around this nation, this world.
I want so badly to protect them from Evil that masks himself in so many forms, so many labels, so many people. I want so badly for their innocence to remain.
We had a conversation about grandparents raising parents, raising children, raising babies. I learned about my grandparents things I didn't know or at least didn't remember. Then he states how interesting it is that two godly people can have children that drift away from Truth - how nerve wracking it can be to have children in this world not knowing where they will end up. Will they stay with Truth, walk in Truth or drift away...a little or far? Then I learn the difference...will we have a religion or a relationship? Will it be embedded in their hearts or just their minds? I see it now. I pray for their hearts to be captured by a Mighty God and never let go. I pray they would let him invade their every breath, their every step. I pray they would live and feel how HE does and see this world through the lens of Truth.
I want so badly to protect them from Evil, but I see they are in God's hand and His ways are so much higher than mine. My bubble that I call my world can be shaken in an instant. One second so calm & peaceful and the next like a snow globe being shaken so vigorously, so fiercely that you think it will never settle again. I want to hold tight to the calm times, but also trust that in His hands is where I must be no matter what may come. I want to question where God is in the bad, the horrific, the unthinkable. And then question why we continue to desire to bring children into this world - only to realize instead of questions maybe He is offering His strength, His hand, His heart. After all, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." (Ps. 56:8)
He is the One who knows - "...the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." That's the God I serve and run to - may I run in times of great joy and absolute fear.
I have to hold to His promises otherwise the moments in life that make no sense will make even less sense. The fear I have of letting go will become terror. The hearing of events that take place in this world like what happened in Newtown, CT will drive me to such a deep trembling it will paralyze my every step.
Holding to His promises.
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