10 years and a year and a half ago

10 years ago today I was giddy like a child awaiting Christmas morning. I knew when I woke up the next day, everything would change again.
10 years and a year and a half ago, my life did change. It was the start of everything and then end of somethings.

It started with a wedding of a friend. Then visiting and hanging out and riding go-carts - which began in innocent fun, but quickly turned into a competitive go-cart race - I have the scar to prove it. Then leaving on a plane that never left the ground...for him. This was the day everything changed.

She raced us home from an early morning workout (yes, these were the days that activity was consistent for me) as we were listening to the radio we heard what seemed to be like a joke - a sick joke. We were fearful. We knew he flew out that morning...could he have been on one of those flights? Where was he? We pulled into the driveway and ran recklessly inside to see if everyone else had heard what we unbelievably did. They had. And there he was sitting on the couch - his flight had not left. "Thank you Jesus!" was all that exhaled from my body. This was the day our worlds collided in a way neither one of us thought, expected or even wanted...at first. Truthfully, I prayed against it.  I was ready to travel the world and do and be whatever God wanted and wherever the wind blew.  I love to travel and see things I have never seen before. I love seeing how big our God is and how creative He was when He spoke our world into existence.

Nonetheless, we were stuck. Stuck in a Big state trying to get home to our much smaller states. Stranded with no proverbial end in site. Until...Honey. I don't mean honey as in sweet like Honey - though he was ever so sweet. I mean Honey as in his grandpa...that Honey. That's what they have called him since...well, forever.
Honey and Mam'ma came to drive him back to where he flew out of. I was the stow-away....or at least a girl who needed a ride to get me a little closer to what I called home. By this point, there was a mutual "intrigue".  The conversation was constant for our 22 hour hike. He offered to drive but it was short lived and then he was back in the seat next to me. Honey relentlessly teased him for this one thing. His grandfather was in his 80's driving us as far as he could, just because he knew we needed help. Little did Honey know he was part of a grander plan. He was part of a Glorious plan. He was a part of the rest of our lives.

Let me back up a bit and explain just why we were stuck. It was because of something horrific. I mentioned earlier that this time was the end of some things in our lives. It was the end of safety as we knew it. It was the end of flying fearlessly. It was the end of visiting the Big Apple as the way it was known by all.  It was the end of  innocence for so many. Our children, who had not even been a thought in our childish minds, would never know the world as we knew it. However, when the terrorists of those planes crashed into the towers of New York City, they had no idea they were really part of a beautiful plan. As horrific as it was, God worked something good...no something amazing and something  that no one will ever forget. He took something so ugly and made it lovely.  But isn't that how our God works? Every day of our lives trading our sorrow and our sin for good? All is grace, beautiful grace! Trading ashes for beauty...only He can do that.

So we were stuck in that Big state with no way home except by the kindness of Honey.  Honey was our saving grace when the world stopped turning as we knew it. Like I mentioned, we talked the whole trip, asking silly question after silly question. We stopped for short breaks to stretch our cramping backs. We made it to his parents house finally in the ever so sleepy hours of the morning.  But made it, we did!

By this time my heart was beating a  little stronger, a little faster because of him. There was something different about him. He captured my sights and I just couldn't seem to look away. He was strong, steady...I needed (still do) steady. He had a deep voice, strong hands and those eyes...I couldn't look right into them, but I wanted to. I couldn't look into them because I knew he could read me. But these eyes, they captured me. The color of these eyes - well just look into our first born son and you will see. Someday his wife will understand exactly what I mean about "those eyes'.

We had a whole day before my parents could meet us in the middle of our two states and truthfully, I was glad...silly glad.  I was thrilled to see my family again...I was thrilled to have them meet this guy, but I was so thankful I had another day to learn more about the one who made a heart beat faster...my heart.

My parents knew, just as parents always do, I had someone for them to meet. And meet him, they did.
I told you, everything changed 10 years and a year and a half ago. Everything changed for him, for me. It was the start to our lives as we would come to know them.
10 years ago today...it was the eve before I married this man. So to say I was giddy like a child awaiting Christmas morning is a bit of an understatement. I knew, when I woke up on March 7, 2003, I was going to get to marry this man. I knew our, what seemed never ending, drives between our states would be truly ending. I knew I would get to spend every waking moment with him. I knew I would be the one to have his children (...didn't know it would happen quite as fast as it did, but not for one second would I change a thing). I knew this was the start to our lives together. And together was where I wanted to be. And from here on out, we are just kinda...stuck like glue. And I like it that way.

Happy 10 years to the love of my life!

You & Me

The best elixir I know...being still

It makes us stop dead in our tracks, forces us to SLOW down and be still like a bitter, winter storm and icy roads frozen solid - wether we like to or not.  It makes me thankful for the times we aren't dealing with this unending bout with sickness.

However, it forces us to stay home and enjoy home. On the agenda...to sit with the sick all the while trying to comfort a throbbing head and the burning ever so hot fever. Just holding sometimes is the only medicine we can offer and sometimes the best elixir for these long days.  

Being summoned by Bitty saying, "I need you mommy" is heart breaking for me, but yet so rewarding to know as a momma and as a daddy - we are the ones who can make it all better.  It forces me to sit and leave the dishes and laundry, toilets and vacuuming for the healthy days - just be. Be with them.

I am reading "Jesus Calling" right now and loving each day. Each day a new reminder of what Jesus wants to tell me.  "I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy - even precarious. That is how it should be...This, like all forms of worry is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you." (-Jesus Calling)

So if you haven't figured out by no, I tend to worry. I remember as a child my mom telling me to stop worrying or else I would give my self a heart attack. I am sure you can imagine then what would overcome my thoughts, "a heart attack?!?" The vicious cycle would begin again in my worry-muddled mind. 

This week has been a challenge as I have let worry filled thoughts consume my mind as we have sick little ones at home - trying desperately to keep the littlest one or all healthy -  all the while fearful he will get sick too. So I needed 'Jesus Calling' me this morning to remind me to rest in Him and be still. How ironic that if the sickness isn't enough to slow me down, maybe this slipper, icy, snowy day will.



 

How lovely of my Savior to force me to SLOW all the while sending the beautiful snow is to cover the dark, dreary, muddy mess! A good day to sit and be. A good day for tea and chicken soup. A good day!

Gift of words

Last night we had a dinner with all of the guys Jason works with and for. I had been looking forward to the evening and getting to know all of the wives better. It was a night of dinner, conversation and visiting. I went into it knowing we would have a good time and great food, but what I didn't realize is how we would leave feeling blessed by words...blessed with encouragement and friendship.

eucharisteo for godly employers

I have never been to a work function before where one of the bosses called on some of their clients to write encouragement for the guys working for them. It is easy to say, "good job" but how often do we give encouragement to those around us on a deeper level. Not very! This is exactly what his boss did though and it was truly a blessing!  When he finished giving all of the guys uplifting words he turned to the wives stating he didn't want us to feel left out so he had emailed all of our husbands asking them to write a few sentences about what they love about each of us. Really?! I couldn't believe it - he then went on to read them and the words of our hard working husbands blessed all of us wives immensely. There were moist eyes, laughter and very deep, sincere smiles all around. What an incredibly special night it was!

It made me think and question -
How often do I thank my husband for working hard to provide for our ever growing family? How often do I tell him WHY I love him, WHY I adore him, WHY I cherish him, WHY I am so glad he is the one I am spending this adventure we call life with? How often to I give my kids detailed words of love and encouragement. The words, "I love you" can often become rote. I truly mean them, but they also come out of my mouth mechanically at times...dare I say almost without thought.
As I was awoken to see this evening again, the po
wer of WORDS. The power to uplift, bless - "sweet like honeycomb" (Prov. 16:24).  And on the flip side "death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Prov. 18:21). It is easy to see the hard negative, the "uh-oh" mistakes, the silly forgetfulness and the times of wrong - I have plenty of words to say about those times. Just maybe I need to stop, be still a moment or two and see the good, the helpful, the blessing, the sweet and learning times and say far more about each of those.  Maybe just saying "thank you" would be a good start...it takes me right back to Eucharisteo.

my  adventure partner

Emotional High

Our wrinkly, sweet, tiny, bundle of joy arrived 1 month ago.  And to say we are completely smitten with having a new baby around would be an immense understatement. I love this very short-lived stage in our kids lives. I always have! And with our new little man - each one of our kids have adjusted well (so far) to having him here - for this I am truly thankful.  I was certain Bitty girl would not be very thrilled, but she loves him and is very protective of him already...I am not naive to think this will last forever, but for today I am thankful!

Riggins Jack

6 lbs, 18 3/4 inch

As much as I truly adore this stage, what I forget every time we have  a baby are the emotions that run rampant after I deliver. I forget the fear I feel that something could happen to this little one. I feel it every time. Then once we are home from the hospital it intensifies because now I don't have the comfort and safety of knowing a nurse is at my beckon call. 

Our littlest one, had a few hiccups shortly after he was born...nothing major, but it was the first time for us that we experienced anything like it. To say there was a deep fear in my heart for him...another understatement. I realized during this time how much I try to control with my own, feeble hands, my own decisions, my life - and if I cannot control it, I will find someone that can. I never thought of myself as being a control freak until recently. It was as if God was scraping back the bare truth and I was desperately trying to not let it be revealed. It is scary having truth revealed in your life - especially when you are crazy, after-birth hormonal. But, through the fear He reminded me of the peace knowing my God is great, my God is in control no matter what and these kids we are raising are HIS first and foremost. 

Being a parent just makes me emotional. Being a parent is a fearful endeavor. Being a parent makes me realize I cannot do it unless my God is with me every second of the day. I don't know how many days our kiddos will have on this earth - I pray they long out live me, but the truth is only God knows. The unexpected, unknowing, unplanned happens every second of every day in someones life. So for me, I must lay down my emotions and fears and hormones so I can live in the peace of my Savior.  So my kids will learn to live in that same peace and not fear. 

That, and I have to remember smile and laugh - if not for me, for them! 

 Thank you Jesus for this sweet little man that has graced our lives. Thank you for the GIFT of life - so sweet and precious.  Thank you for your peace that comes even through fear.

Safety of Hiccups

I sit here feeling hiccups.
Feeling relieved this little one is protected still from this world...
then feeling bad that I feel that relief when so much hurt is felt around this nation, this world.
I want so badly to protect them from Evil that masks himself in so many forms, so many labels, so many people.  I want so badly for their innocence to remain.

We had a conversation about grandparents raising parents, raising children, raising babies. I learned about my grandparents things I didn't know or at least didn't remember. Then he states how interesting it is that two godly people can have children that drift away from Truth - how nerve wracking it can be to have children in this world not knowing where they will end up. Will they stay with Truth, walk in Truth or drift away...a little or far? Then I learn the difference...will we have a religion or a relationship? Will it be embedded in their hearts or just their minds? I see it now. I pray for their hearts to be captured by a Mighty God and never let go. I pray they would let him invade their every breath, their every step. I pray they would live and feel how HE does and see this world through the lens of Truth.

I want so badly to protect them from Evil, but I see they are in God's hand and His ways are so much higher than mine. My bubble that I call my world can be shaken in an instant. One second so calm & peaceful and the next like a snow globe being shaken so vigorously, so fiercely that you think it will never settle again. I want to hold tight to the calm times, but also trust that in His hands is where I must be no matter what may come. I want to question where God is in the bad, the horrific, the unthinkable. And then question why we continue to desire to bring children into this world - only to realize instead of questions maybe He is offering His strength, His hand, His heart. After all, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." (Ps. 56:8)
He is the One who knows - "...the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." That's the God I serve and run to - may I run in times of great joy and absolute fear.

I have to hold to His promises otherwise the moments in life that make no sense will make even less sense. The fear I have of letting go will become terror. The hearing of events that take place in this world like what happened in Newtown, CT will drive me to such a deep trembling it will paralyze my every step.
Holding to His promises.

lovely days non stop

Today is one of those days
In the midst of chaos there are words spoken that dig deep
in the same breath there are sweet little, "I love Yous!"
There is no job I love more than being a mom - there is also no job that tires me like this one. But it is a good "exhaustion".
As we are getting ready for Christmas I am trying desperately hard to SLOW life down, to breathe deep and see moments unfold, to teach contentment & gratefulness. But around each corner is a distraction - for them, for me - exhaustion. Life continues on and I realize I am the one who has a choice whether life will be lovely or not...a choice each second of each day.

Then I read this,  "How when you are turned away from God, life turns ugly, but when you are turned toward God, life turns lovely." (Ann Voskamp)
This is the reminder I need day after day, imprinted on my forehead, engraved on my heart so I don't forget. The every day dishes, the mundane of the laundry, the never ending sweeping of  the floors, the dirty diapers and potty training, the teaching & reteaching, the tears of spilled milk...oh the spilled milk! the "I'm sorrys", the sticky kisses and fingers, the sore legs from ballet days before, all made lovely by a life turned toward God. 

With baby 5 just around the corner, I know these moments will increase and be multiplied again - for which I cannot wait! I know time will seem to shorten and days will fly like the wind. My prayer is to be a grace-filled momma, one who comforts and greets her babies each morning with kisses and hugs. And goes throughout the day with them never questioning love. One who helps them slow down and savor each moment as a gift and to help them remember even the mundane is sacred in God's eyes....how did He send our Savior & King? As a sweet baby in a lowly manger. So mundane, yet so unbelievable sacred & holy.

From Ann's Blog :

“To a man who lives unto God nothing is secular, everything is sacred.

He puts on his workday garment and it is a vestment to him.

He sits down to his meal and it is a sacrament.

He goes forth to his labor, and therein exercises the office of the priesthood. His breath is incense and his life a sacrifice.

He sleeps on the bosom of God, and lives and moves in the divine presence.

To draw a hard and fast line and say, “This is sacred and this is secular,” is, to my mind, diametrically opposed to the teaching of Christ and the spirit of the gospel…

Peter saw a sheet let down from heaven in which were all manner of beasts and four-footed creatures, which he was bidden to kill and eat, and when he refused because they were unclean, he was rebuked by a voice from heaven, saying, “What God hath cleansed that call not thou common” [Acts 10:15; 11:9].

The Lord hath cleansed your houses, he has cleansed your bed chambers, your tables…  He has made the common pots and pans of your kitchens to be as the bowls before the altar –

if you know what you are and live according to your high calling.

You housemaids, you cooks, you nurses, you ploughmen, you housewives, you traders, you sailors, your labor is holy if you serve the Lord Christ in it, by living unto Him as you ought to live.

The sacred has absorbed the secular.”

~ Spurgeon