Consistently - not

If nothing, I am consistently inconsistent.  I have been humbled by this truth today. I want to write how I have learned to consistently follow through. I would love to say I have learned the art of discipline in all aspects.  But it seems, the harder I try the more I fall.

As I was driving in the quiet of my car today, which is rare, I was sifting through my day, my weeks, my months. Wanting to take full advantage of the 'shhhhh' & trying to figure a few things out I realized IT.  How could I have been so blinded by my own independence that I didn't see? Why hadn't I taken this time before? My boys need it - or else this competition we call life may never cease and oh how I long for it to stop dead in it's tracks only to never come by my door stop again. How I yearn for these two to be best friends, comrades, protectors, leaders...to just BE. Their roots are so young and shallow but so strong already.
The IT I realized is simple....simply asking for "help". Why is it so hard to say that word? How could I forget to ask my Heavenly Father for help? Don't we all need help - somedays help in remembering how to breath, somedays - how to love, many days - how to offer Mercy. We all want this extended to us, yet how I forget.

How does this undeserved gift fit into parenting?... the offering of grace and mercy to our children when it isn't earned or deserved, but yet doing this one thing is making the body of Christ beautiful! This is the EXACT thing HE does for me every day. And truly, don't they offer it to us in the simplest..."momma, I love you" when I know WELL I am not always lovable.

With Mother's Day around the corner, I am reminded not only the unmeasurable gift of being a Momma, but the undeserved gift of mercy and grace.

Thirty & learning

Sometimes I think God takes pleasure in using the little things in this world to teach the big things.  Often I sit back and laugh (or cry) at those teaching moments. Like this one...

My son just told me..."Mom, I think the older I get the bigger Jesus gets in my heart." He told me this after he said that he was tempted to do something he shouldn't do and he walked away.  It has taken me 30 years to realize the sooner I listen to that Still Small Voice the clearer it becomes. And yet that  same Voice that speaks to my 2nd born, speaks to me. What a great God who upholds and speaks!
The words I penned the other day are ringing more true...as I teach them - and at times teach seems like a strong word -  HE is teaching me through them.  I don't mean the subjects teaching, but the daily teaching. The daily grind, the moments as they swiftly pass by and hopefully I caught it long enough to use it - that teaching.
God's ways are so much better than mine.

Spring Reign

Disappointments will come and go like a spring rain.
They will happen and at times I wish I had a fair warning so as to not be so surprised by them.
People will disappoint, circumstances will disappoint, weather and food will disappoint.  I will disappoint my husband and kids and they will me - I think this is the hardest to swallow or the hardest to know how to work through.
I get quiet with words, but my head and heart are loud inside. If you were in me you would see an ebb and flow, back and forth - words everywhere - coming and going. Trying to figure the best way to speak and  yet no words come, still.   I have always been this way but then sometimes it bubbles over and IT gets loud and the words just flow and yet those are the times, as fast as that river flows out,  I wish I could pull it all back in - usually too late.

 I am learning when to just be still.  And I am learning that maybe, just maybe - those times of disappointment  are God's way of saying "be filled with me alone.  I am  the ONE who will not disappoint ... no matter how many times you do Me." He is the one who can fill my rivers of words with kindness and truth and help me stem the tides that flow uncontrolled.  HE is the one who can teach me what I, every day, tell my kids, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all".  I get so frustrated at times that I am a record playing over and over saying this same tune and then God, in His gentle way reminds me, HE is that same record playing over and over to me too. I can teach my kids and then God teaches me through them. So humbling. I can learn much from them - their forgiveness is sweet and doesn't remember.

So I am learning to pursue HIM first every day.
I am learning He doesn't disappoint, ever. He has a plan for everything and will work it for good in HIS time and HIS way and it's okay if I don't see that good yet and probably won't.  It forces me to keep my face in HIS and not move - be still my soul.

As I am learning, I am hoping that record player won't have to always play over and over - rather that His voice would become stronger because I know how to listen better. Oh what a feat!
May HE reign in my life so I can then teach these little ones.

field trip : sticky syrup

One (of the many) things I LOVE about homeschooling is field trips. We went to the Sugar Grove in Central IL. a couple of weeks ago for the Maple Syrup Tapping field trip and it was amazing. We went with a bunch of our friends from the Classical Conversations family we are a part of.  The kids LOVED it ...despite the cold and wet....did I mention cold???

One of the most amazing parts for me though is seeing that the kids remember, truly remember parts of what they heard. Bobo came up to me last week saying he found a tree that was cut down that was 18 years old. I asked him how he knew and he said, I counted the rings to the heart of the tree. SO, I went out to check and sure enough he was right. 

I just feel blessed!

The 3 oldest ones left the field trip happy, filled with joy after seeing friends and sticky from syrup. 

doesn't this just look so inviting! If it had been warm - I would have sat there forever!

What I love is leaving feeling refreshed for another day, challenged to meet with my Creator in everything and living the Normal realizing that is where the blessings lie.

Messy Fingerprints

The more kids I have the more passionate I become about capturing them & making time stand still for a brief second. Time is fleeting and so I want to hold on to these sweet, precious gifts. I want to remember. Remember where we've been so I know where we are going (or not going).  Crazy?! Maybe. But it is what we have in this life - Memories & fingerprints. And sometimes those fingerprints are messy, sticky and gross. Sometimes they are sweet and perfect. At times they are so obvious they are caked like mud and others so faint you can hardly see.  But I want to remember each one - after all this is our story, our gift.

For some reason, when I look at these paper memories I see so much more than just that paper - I see our life as it has and is unfolding. I see it changing, me changing not what I see, but how I see.  Since I have changed that one thing, it is literally changed everything, everything.

It is  so easy for me to see the daily messes as frustrations, the hourly disputes as interruptions. I think I have to raise my voice to be heard louder and louder only to realize they hear very little then but everything when words are soft. All those loud words result in is tears from me, from them...But then, then I hear that "still small voice" (1Kings 19:12), "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Prov. 15:1) I know this, I know this, I know I know this - but oh how I forgot this precious truth. I want them to know how to hear His voice and listen to His voice and obey His voice so they don't have to learn the hard way like me.

(My grandma & prayer warrior - oh how she has prayed over her family for SO many years)

It starts with us.
This is why  I am passionate about these paper memories - so I remember TRUTH revealed. So I can keep changing how I see and pray what I do see doesn't slip through my hands without me noticing, fully.
And maybe someday, I will be like Grandma - a prayer warrior, woman of FAITH - trusting God knows so much better than I and He takes care of all those tiny "lilies" and "birds" in my life (Matthew 6:25-24).

Finding Spring

Warm, gorgeous weather in March...in Illinois...unheard of and unusual!

So since we have had this summer in March we had to go find spring.  I wanted the kids to find it. Nothing technical or crazy, but truly find spring. Which meant we were going for a hike to the nature preserve.

I really believe on this particular day God wanted to see things we wouldn't expect.  We were so blessed...we found snails, a tiny snake happened to slither across our path (and no one freaked out...including me), the brightest and greenest moss everywhere, smaller than a dime wild flowers but with a magnifying glass the details were incredible. I was honestly just hoping for a bud on a tree and maybe a flower or two - oh did HE surpass our expectations completely.

Then what we heard...awe! - Woodpeckers knocking on every tree they could - I LOVE this sound, the moan of frogs from the swampy pond, the song of the birds as if they were praising God that Spring was found! And the smell of sweet onion grass and just that spring smell. We even managed to see deer prints hard in the mud as they had run through a couple days earlier when it was soft.

Then Tank found the tree. A massive tree that was unique looking.  He looked up with his little 3 year old eyes and said, "look Momma, it looks like God's hand....I think He is holding us." And it hit me like a ton of bricks...we found spring today because our Creator made it for us. And this same Creator that cares about the tiniest detail of the littlest wildflower, the amazing pattern on the shell of a snail, the way a snake slithers in the grass...this same Creator holds us and how much more He cares for us...enough to make Spring not hard to find on the Summer-of-a-day in March.

I am convinced, through the eyes of a child, things are clear. And so, as Arae so poetically told me, "Mom, the reason God talks about faith like a child and how we should have faith like a child is because Children believe."

"I am the Vine"

Bobo graciously packed a snack for all of us without me even knowing it.

The Tree - not sure exactly where Tank was looking but still so amazing he saw what he did.

He didn't want to leave this spot.

I couldn't capture it quite fast enough...his little head was just out - maybe it is the fact that little fingers were picking it up.

Chewing  - monkey see monkey do or in our case, Bitty See Bobo Do

Dreams, fears and a little potty talk

So as a kid, meaning when I was high school age...I loved to fly and had dreams of going wherever, living wherever and doing whatever God wanted me to do and being a part of some ministry or just something.

I was reminded of this fact this morning as I was reading. But I was reminded in a way differently than I expected. 

Since that time when I thought I'd be all over the world, I have gotten married and we have 4 beautiful Children.  We live in a teeny tiny town, just outside of a bigger town called "Normal".  To say that I am flying around the world now, is a total understatement...ironically, I now have a fear of flying, not a paralyzing fear, but a definite fear. 

Here is the thing though, my perspective has completely changed....I married a man who totally and utterly "gets" me (and vice versa) - he is my peanut butter, I am his jelly - that kinda "gets me". 

And what I have realized is the dreams I had, pale in comparison to the dreams I am LIVING...truly pale!

Living my life with him and our kiddos brings me more joy that I can describe in words.  My ministry is them and training them up to take the world by storm if God so willed. I still love to travel, but I LOVE being home.  And what I realized this morning, this fear of flying isn't a fear of really flying, but thinking that God can't handle things. How immature of me! How I have belittled my Savior - the one who can walk on water, calm the sea, raise from the dead - really and I thought You couldn't handle things?? Goodness! 

So I am taking this worry and fear and turing into thanks.

Thankful for each tiny, wiggly toe. Thanks for nights of little sleep, crocodile tears and diaper rashes, finger prints on every surface, experiments gone wrong, markers every where but the paper, first words read, legos messes, arguing kids, black eyes and even stitches, toothless grins and cavities and yes...even the occasional potty talk (who am I kidding....this happens OFTEN with boys). Realizing that these are the dreams I never knew I had and we are blessed to be living in them NOW. Thank YOU!