From my Heart's Brokenness to Yours and Theirs

A Letter to my kids:

I want you to know and experience grace. A grace so deep and so wide that it changes you at the core of who you are. A grace so intimate that when you see, hear and watch horrors that unfold in the news what you really see is brokenness, a sin-full world filled with hurting people not politics. AND yes, please, please see the heroes that arise to help.  I want that to MOVE you so deeply that you can't help but move toward the the brokenness, suffering, and pain. Don't be afraid of it!
There will also be a time, I am confident, when you will be accused of label(s) that are incorrect. When that "label" is placed on you it might possibly stir something inside of you that you don't expect...maybe anger, maybe hurt, maybe confusions, maybe just sadness and what I want to tell you is to still walk in grace, deep, abounding grace.
All of this is a part of the life we live in a world filled with sin and in need of a Savior.

Graciously and redemptively, God uses these things to make you more like Him...yes, even the barbarity you see on that screen in our living room. 

So can I help you with your perspective before you leave our home? Not because my perspective is always right, but infact the opposite...because I have made many mistakes and God is using HIS refining fire to do just that, refine.  Dad and I aren't trying to raise you according to pop culture (Pop Culture : Cultural activities or commercial products reflecting, suited to, or aimed at the tastes of the general m./ masses of people. -Webster's Dictionary). Not because it is necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it could be. But so could the flip side of avoiding all culture. Nor are we trying to raise you in a safe bubble. Safe from pain, safe from hurt, safe from broke. No - not that either. Both could actually become idols in your life and serve only to puff you up and you become full of yourself.

We are, however, striving to train you to be in the world and yet not of the world; to see broken people and respond in grace and truth instead of running from it; to be light in darkness; to hear your Savior's voice in a  world full if distraction; to not be afraid to be broken if it means you grow closer to your Savior and more like Him.
Addison, as you are on the brink of high school (how can it be already?) this will make the most sense to you and the rub of what this really looks like. It is a rub that is sometimes uncomfortable, painful and just plain hard - Being in and yet not of the world. We desire so deeply for you to be who GOD uniquely created you to be which means beating to the drum your Creator put inside of you. This will look differently for each of you because you are all fearfully and wonderfully made for a specific purpose.  With nothing to prove to anyone, you are only living for One. There will always be someone to say you aren't doing the right activities because a different activity is better or more important. Some will say "this" or "that" is too dangerous. Some will say you are crazy to run to the hurt and brokenness of the world. Some will say you need to be more safe. Some will say you aren't involved enough, some will say too much. Others will have an opinion of how you dress, act, speak, what you wear, read and watch. Some will say you wear too much make- up or not enough, they'll say your hair is too long or too short, you don't wear the right shoes , your jeans are too trendy or not trendy enough and the list could go on and on... I know you know.

Let me be clear, I don't care about pop culture or where you fit into it.  What I do care about - is that you are who God made you to be with nothing to prove to anyone. You have nothing to prove because in light of what our Savior did on the cross, we have nothing to give. The price has been paid. We are broken, angry, unkind, liars, selfish, pride-filled and slanderers. We have nothing to prove because we, on our own, will always come up short. Infact, only a perfect Savior who died for us can make us whole . You have nothing to prove because Jesus is ALL and in HIM ALONE we are complete and He loves you exactly how you are with nothing to prove. I know I am repeating those words over and over, but very intentionally...may you never forget!

So, whether you or dad or me fall too close to pop culture, or not close enough to pop culture, honestly, I don't care. Why? Because, my loves, what I DO know is we are only saved by His grace. And grace is something we can always offer and give. Drop your judgements! Let them fall...fall hard and shatter and give grace! There is not one thing we can do or not do that will add to our Salvation making us "more saved".  Live in the freedom that it brings - it is a GIFT! And offer that gift to others because you never know what their story really is unless you dare to ask, unless you dare to draw near, unless you dare to not be afraid to be broken.

The graciously beautiful thing... Jesus' time here on earth was, in fact, not spent with just one type of person. He spent time on earth with all walks of life because He came to seek and save the lost. Did you hear that...the LOST! Not just the cool, not just the smart, not those who fit pop culture or don't, not just the nature lover, homeschooler, public schooler or private schooler. Not the just the athletes or dancers or musicians. Not just those who look like you or nothing like you at all. What cheap grace that would be! He came for the LOST and at one time we were all lost - completely lost, not partially lost. Wholly lost! It is NOT as if we can be good enough, righteous enough or smart enough! Thank you Jesus for your sweet, sweet grace that abounds deep within our souls and is not cheapened by any value we can possibly give it or attempt to give it! 

Rather than continuing our or your generation's fascination with labels and opinions may it be that you, my crazies, align yourself with the word of God alone and are not afraid to run to brokenness. And may it be that the only label that fits you is the one God already assigned to you - HIS. Renew yourself by His word every single day and walk confidently that we are all made in His image even when we look different. Let His light shine from you in a dark world because light shines so much brighter in darkness. Don't walk in fear, never fear. Be brave enough, by His strength, to be a follower - HIS. And know, that when you are a follower, He may lead you to the heart of utter depravity, or to the basketball court, or to your neighborhood or to your family, or across the country or world to be HIS light. Shine!

Love, Mom

I don't do...

"Comparison is the THIEF of joy!" 
-Theodore Rosevelt

I dare say I have let a Thief into my house, my mind, and my heart a time or 2... or a thousand.  Looking to my left and right to see what other moms, families, and neighbors are doing can often distract me from what I know I should be doing. Yes, there are times seeing what works for others can really encourage and rejuvenate.  But sometimes it just steals my joy and contentment. What this looks like for me :

- Comparison - do my kids know that? Do that? Have the ability to do that? Can I keep my house that way? Am I ahead (let's be REAL ...am I caught up?) with my laundry? Am I reading the BEST books? Eating the BEST food? Involving myself in the BEST things?
(I think you could actually make a pretty strong argument that the "best" things in life might just be what we idolize the most and distract us the most from keeping eternity in view...hmmm)

I could go on and on - fill in the blank for your own proverbial "thing". 

Addison and I were talking recently about what makes her unique and comparison to others did not make the list. But then again, neither did things like her long hair, her ballet abilities, her creativity, her love of reading...none of those were on the list I gave her. There was one thing on her list that makes her unique. It is HER - exactly how God made her to be. He didn't make anyone else like her - no one! Her ability to be unique is found in her identity in Christ and living that out because, there is no one else in this world that can be Addison Renae White. So if she gets caught in the trap of trying to be like someone else as a result of comparison, she is no longer fulfilling her unique calling to be HER. Sure, blue hair is a fun accessory, but not what would make her unique.

The same is true for my family, for ME. Letting that thief of comparison in gave me chains that I am now desperately shaking free!

Galatians 5:13, 16, 25-26 - "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another...But I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh...If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." 

I could type out all of Galatians 5 - it is so powerful in setting us free from Comparison, and Rivalry. God's word in Hebrews is called the "Law of Liberty" and I LOVE that! I only want to align myself with His word. I desire to live a life honoring to Him, pleasing to Him and His word gives Freedom. Freedom is NOT 'live however I want to live'. God has given us freedom to know Him (And how do we KNOW him? By His Word -the Bible), Freedom to live for Him, Freedom to worship Him, Freedom to love Him, Freedom to hear Him.

SO here is what I did. I made an "I Don't Do..." list. 

This list is not meant to compare or be legalistic. Infact, it's the exact opposite. Before I made this list, I was feeling a certain amount of guilt for things we recently chose not to do or to do depending on your perspective. After I made this list, it gave me a sense of contentment in our decisions that I longed for. There is no power in the actual list, but the practice of writing it out is what set me free from the aforementioned, self inflicted guilt.

1) I don't do real dishes in this season of my life...almost never

2) I don't sort socks

3) I don't fold my kids laundry

4) We don't do Santa (and no judgement on those that do...I just can't afford my kids lists to Santa)

5) I don't do large groups at Restaurants (rarely an exception...it just stresses me out)

6) We don't vacation with other families right now - Our family vacation is #1 and we don't have the ability to do multiple vacations in this season, and that's okay.

7) We don't camp - maybe someday but that day is not now and it won't be in a tent.

8) We don't have a set lunch in the summertime.

Trying to appear "cool"...after his eyes were dilated

"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." (II Cor. 10:12) 

This list may grow and change. I want it to as I grow and change. I refer to this list often (having a 'DO' list is helpful too!) For now though, the 'DONT' list has helped me regain focus and shake those chains off. What is on your 'don't' list?  Share it with me, I would love to hear. Or what is on your 'do' list? And how has it set you free from comparison? 

My journey with Shadd Houston the past 525,949.2 minutes

It's always interesting thinking back over the last year, 365 days, 52 weeks, 525,949.2 minutes. Sometimes it is with great sentiment we reminisce. Sometimes with regret. Sometimes with fear or anxiety. Sometimes unexplainable joy. Looking back involves emotions that are enjoyable to relive or possibly bring a sense of dread. For me, the last year has included all of the above and to be honest, something I thought I would never write about…let alone after years of barely blogging about anything. A few months ago I started thinking about putting the past 365 days into words.  I continued to dismiss it, not knowing how or what to even say because the words and memories left me feeling anxious...deeply anxious. Now, a few days (update: Saturday, the 15th) away from that 1 year mark, I feel a deep need to write it out. Maybe, just maybe, one other mom may feel encouraged. 

363 days ago, I was sitting on my bed crocheting the days away because I was on bedrest. I had been on bedrest for a few weeks because our little man was wanting to come too early. Being number 7, I wasn't too terribly worried because, well…this wasn't my first rodeo and all of our other kids came early. Him coming early was about to be the only thing that seemed "normal" to me after his delivery.

He did arrive early but still somewhat in the safe range. He was small, but I have small babies. He had jaundice and blood sugar issues for a bit but nothing too alarming and we have had that before with other babies.  Overall, he was a healthy, precious boy and all of our hearts melted at the sight and smell of him. Oh that newborn smell!! It is intoxicating, isn't it? The baby moon lasted the typical 2 weeks and it really was lovely. I deeply cherish those first two weeks.
Somewhere around week three, I noticed his temperament was changing and he was becoming more fussy. Our last 3 babies were not fussy and quite easy, and in my pride I thought we had "figured out" this 'having-babies-thing'. Our oldest two were very fussy babies, but then each one became progressively easier, so you can probably see why I thought I had figured out how to have and raise content babies. God, in His utter mercy, was beginning to show me  how much I desperately need Him... every day. Not just with easy and content babies, but with every baby. Every moment. Every second. Oh how I need Him!

As his fussiness increased so did my anxiety. After each of my other births, I had dealt briefly with baby blues and the feelings of anxiousness but never unbearable and it didn't last long at all. I assumed that would be the case with Shadd. Not so. Infact, not so in the least. Days and weeks went by and he became more and more unsettled in the evenings. My back would so badly hurt from holding him for so long in the middle of the night.  And the healing process for me in just delivering him was unlike any I had experienced thus far. Different medications were prescribed and finally one worked for a fierce bladder infection I could not get rid of. Once that was done and over, after weeks of effort, my anxiety started rising even more. Slowly, that anxiety started turning to depression and I became very frightened and scared trying to work through feelings and thoughts I had never had before. I kept them to myself until Shadd was about 4 months old. (I have since learned a common thread with Post Partum Depression is denial and not talking about it - so true for me) At that time, I read an article that had popped into my Facebook feed about a mom who had just committed suicide after dealing with Post Partum depression quietly for almost a year and I couldn't believe what I was reading. That night, in typical fashion of trying all of the holding positions and none working to get my buddy asleep I broke down after being in denial. I told my husband, through heaving tears, what I had been feeling and thinking for months. He graciously took Shadd, told me I was going to go to my OB in the morning and allowed me time by myself to just cry out to the Lord all of the tears and fears I had been holding in for far too long. I  reached a breaking point I didn't even know I had.

Like in the movies, what I would love to tell you is I was prescribed medicine and Shadd got better and everything has been lovely since. In actuality, I was prescribed medicine. I took it and experienced awful side effects. I do feel like that had been my peak and slowly, SLOWLY my hormones were starting to come back to normal range.  It was a roller coaster ride to get back to normal (whatever normal is) and still peaking at times in what felt like panic attacks. The difference this time -  just being able to confide in my husband and a couple friends as my doctor highly recommended. It actually made ALL the difference being able to verbalize what was going on in my head. That and a song I found "on accident" (no it wasn't an accident…sometime I will tell that story - it was completely the Holy Spirit).  Music has always had a powerful effect in my life and this song was on repeat. Sometimes ALL day.

Since then, Shadd has continued to grow and change and SLEEP and the anxiety is few and far inbetween. He turns one on Saturday (7/15 today!)  and is pretty consistent in sleeping through the night now…kind of. He is still one of our most challenging babies, but you know the crazy thing, I have learned more through a baby about my Heavenly Father's love and compassion than I knew was possible. I have grown spiritually and been convicted of pride & opinions in my life that I have put-on myself & others unknowingly when, in actuality, Jesus says He sets us free from those chains.  Only God can use a sweet, adorable baby to teach his adult children. I don't know what Shadd will be like in the future…as of now he is intense and adorable! He is aggressive and yet sweet. He seems opinionated just by how he responds to people, but yet content in my arms. What I DO know,  I am so thankful he is here and in our family and God saw fit to bless us with his LIFE! I am, now, so thankful for the journey (thus far) to get to where we are today…celebrating HIS 1 year birthday. Hind sight is 20-20 right? Hind sight shows me it is all worth it. Every tear. Every fear. Every doubt. Every smile. Every laugh. Thank you Jesus for this gift that came from You!

Good Morning! Time - Making Connections

Morning Time Goal :

I thought I'd share today what the WHOLE goal or beautiful picture of Morning Time is : TO MAKE CONNECTIONS…connections of seemingly unfamiliar things.

My-oh-my! When this happens it really almost takes my breath away…in fact, I get giddy! (If you know me well, you know what happens when I get giddy - I can't help but talk about what God is doing!)  I see God so much in the making of connections - things that I would have never connected on my own. Now, the beauty of Morning time, for me, is my kids are starting to make those connections. Not every day. Not every week even. But connecting the dots nonetheless. 

Recently, we started Morning Time WAY late. We have a baby who isn't feeling well and boys with an unusual amount of energy. I will be honest, I woke up this particular morning wishing I could go back to sleep just for 10 minutes to start the day over. I knew it was going to be a long day when I was awakened to RJ crying (loudly) for daddy all because he had a runny nose. It seems he is petrified of his own snot these days…really.

I rolled out of bed, fed littlest one who is just "off" and headed downstairs. 

After breakfast, showers, making of disheveled beds, finally getting a couple down for early naps (this is a RARITY in our house…early naps that is.)  we started Morning time at 10:00am-ish.

We started this day with a book called, "God's Names" by Sally Michael - can I just tell you I love this book! It is so well written for kids (in my opinion…just my opinion) I don't think that you need devotional books to get into the Word. Infact, most often that is where we are reading from…the WORD. But in oder to study God's names, this books has been so helpful in directing us to specific spots in His WORD where His specific names are used.

So, this particular morning…the one where I wished I could go back to sleep…started off with Elohim - our Strong Creator. As we continued on in our morning time we read Paddle-To-The-Sea (another LOVELY book) and without any planning or prompting my two big kids connected Paddle-To-The-Sea to Elohim; which lead to talking about our Zoo trip recently and how we saw Elohim there. How Creative is our Creator!  And then to a hymn - How Great Thou Art and how that hymn talks about our Strong Creator. They made these connections…on their own. And I wanted to cry! It was beautiful in ways that words cannot express.

speaking of zoo animals

Even later that already late morning, our civics questions lead to talking about the riots in Baltimore and what our founding Fathers who wrote that beloved paper we call the constitution would think of this rioting…which lead to a conversation about freedom of speech and John Bunyan….which was PERFECT because we are memorizing 'To Be a Pilgrim' right now in our M.T.

All this to say, this was the first time this year where my oldest two have started making this many connections all on their own (while the littles listen in…well, let's be honest, kind of listen in) and I am SO thankful and grateful that God revealed Himself in all of these things. After all, HE is in all things. Let me be clear, This is NOT my doing. This is not because I am following a specific "curriculum" or book. This is a result of God's mercy and the asking of Questions resulting in conversations. Jesus was the greatest Socratic debater of all time…hence the reason for socratic method and why I want to emulate Him.
(Socratic Method (n.)

A pedagogical technique in which a teacher does not give information directly but instead asks a series of questions, with theresult that the student comes either to the desired knowledge by answering the questions or to a deeper awareness of the limits of knowledge.)

I will get back to more specifics of Morning Time soon - but I had to stop and share the goal…so just maybe it might help the long term vision. 

The Pilgrim

BY JOHN BUNYAN

Who would true Valour see

Let him come hither;   

One here will Constant be,   

Come Wind, come Weather.   

There's no Discouragement,

Shall make him once Relent,

His first avow'd Intent,

To be a Pilgrim.

Who so beset him round,

With dismal Storys,

Do but themselves Confound;   

His Strength the more is.

No Lyon can him fright,

He'l with a Gyant Fight,

But he will have a right,

To be a Pilgrim.

Hobgoblin, nor foul Fiend,

Can daunt his Spirit:

He knows, he at the end,

Shall Life Inherit.

Then Fancies fly away,   

He'l fear not what men say,   

He'l labour Night and Day,

To be a Pilgrim.

highly recommend this book - we are reading it now.

Letter to My Pregnant Self

The test was negative. Hmmm…I had to wait another day or two or week…second one, negative. I just knew though…I had to be pregnant. I know those symptoms!! Another day…wait a second!!….I think that says positive. Let's try ONE more time in another day and if I am really patient maybe I can wait two days…I wasn't patient. I HAD to know…sure enough - that is POSITIVE. I leapt for joy and kept it to myself for a bit. I enjoyed those few moments to myself. In fact, I cherished those moments, and sat down to write myself a letter. I knew,  at that moment, there was still clarity in my mind. But once the raging pregnancy hormones, the ones I prayed would come to sustain this sweet life, came in full force, sometimes my thinking would become a bit cloudy. And I forget. I forget what the Lord has taught me. I forget what He has taught me about my husband, children, pregnancy and then I have to learn it all over. This time, I longed for it to be different. I longed to remember and make this pregnancy one I cherished. To honor God through this one instead of making excuses about my moodiness and impatience.

So here it is. I wanted to share this because I know God has brought me back to this reminder so many times and realigned my thinking, words and actions according to all HE has taught me. He is so gracious.

A letter to my pregnant self, 

I want to remind you of a few things because in every pregnancy to date hormones tend to cloud your judgement and thinking. Sometimes they even leave you to forget where GOD has brought you. 

Psalm 139 - There is NO one who knows you better than YOUR Lord. He knows your thoughts from a far. HE understands you even when you, yourself,  do not. Remember, those hormones HE placed in you are to sustain that little one, not to give you amnesia. Without them, there could be no baby. HE thought about that baby long before you and formed that sweet bundle growing inside of you. Remember to be in constant talking-mode with God; praying His words each second, minute, day. AND take the time to listen, be still and let HIM speak to you through HIS word. 

There will be thoughts that enter your mind when you are pregnant that "normally" would not enter your mind. Bring them before the Father. He knows them any way. And if you are setting Scripture on your heart and memorizing it, it will help you!
"I will bless the Lord who has concealed me; Indeed my mind instructs me in the night. I have set the LORD continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely. For you will not abandon my soul to sheol; nor will You allow your Holy One to undergo decay. You will make known to me the path of life; IN your presence is fullness of joy; in your right hand there are pleasures forever." (ps. 16:7-11) 
"Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (II cor. 10:5)

Pray for joy in your pregnancy. you will look back thinking it flew by wishing you would have been more joyful. (Romans 15:13, Phil. 4:4, 6-7) And when you are joyful, God's peace will follow. It will!!

You will gain weight - get over it! It will happen but remember it does not define you. The second they place the baby on you, it will be all worth it because that baby it a gift and God's blessing to you. Don't be so vain, but be a woman, pregnant or not, who fears God first and foremost. Yes, be proactive and careful but do not be consumed with it. It will only distract your eyes from God and will rob you of your joy and contentment. 

Take a deep breath and be patient with those around you. Let your words be like "apples of gold in settings of silver" (prove. 25:11) and pray your words would bring life to your husband and kids. 

Remember, God never promises life will be easy, but HE does promise He will never leave us or forsake us. He is our provider (Matt. 6) He will supply our NEEDS. Don't worry or fear while you are pregnant just pray for God's provision and TRUST His words. Let HIM be your provider and remember to tell the kids how He does provide. 

(*there there is a little paragraph that I wrote about Jason and I* Wink, wink…I will keep that personal)

Take a few extra minutes to just be with the kids and read to them. You will NEVER regret that. 

Immitate God to all around you even when you are pregnant. (Ephesians 5:1) Present your body as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God. Don't conform your thinking to the worlds "norm" while you are pregnant. Instead keep renewing your mind every day (Romans 1:1-3). God has taught you so much about His blessings, and children, and your relationship with Jason and His provision - don't faulter in your thinking just because you are hormonal. This is the time to lean into Him even more and trust His truth and promises. Let this pregnancy glorify God and bring others to see God's glory (Matt. 5:16) 

When you are completely overwhelmed read:
Psalm 139
Psalm 34
Phil. 4
Matt 6
Psalm 16
Psalm 127

Don't waste your time on the couch watching television; read! Fill your mind with God's truths. Fill your mind with wisdom of others who believe and are walking with God - not culture. 

What a gift it is to be pregnant! You believe this. You know this. You hold this close to your heart. Cherish these moments, they are fleeting! And most importantly, seek to "do" this pregnancy as unto the Lord for HIS glory - not for the glory of man or the opposition of man. Every breath, every step honor God. 

Praise God together with your husband for this life and take one step at a time. 
…just a few reminders! 

This pregnancy has been different for many reasons. My first trimester I know those moods were rough. But then I came back to this letter - I needed help. And through different circumstances God reminded me of HIS truth. I said it above and I hold to it, no matter what, GOD is gracious and any moments with any of my kids are a gift from Him. Relationships are the ONE thing we can invest in here on earth that have an ETERNAL value and importance.

Today, I needed to be reminded of this letter again...

Project or Blessing

It was a cold morning. I awoke not too early, not too late. And my coffee was in hand. I was intent to have a bit of quiet time before we started our day. However, I laugh at the word "quiet". Quiet it was NOT…not even slightly. Our house rumbles early every morning and it seems like no matter how hard (or my husband would probably say not hard) I try to awaken before them - at least one is right up behind me. So, I stopped trying to wake up before them. Now, I just let them get ready for their day during this not-so quiet time. And I am good with that…for now.  Maybe one of these days I will be up before the sun.

During the moments I had on this particular morning, I was challenged - deeply challenged as a mom. 

I don't remember who I was listening to or what I was reading. (my guess is it was Voddie Baucham, but honestly - my memory escapes me…maybe from too many early mornings?!?) 

The challenge came in how I view my children - a Project or a Blessing? Do I want a 'how-to' guide so my kids will turn out this way or that? How my kids act in public - is it the same in the comfort of our home or am I raising them to perform a certain way so people will think a certain way toward them? Perfomance vs. Transformation was at the heart of it all. And what I realized,  I have some growing to do - deep, heart transformation-type of growing. 

Why do we have children? For our benefit or for HIM?  My babies are for Him. They are a gift from HIM. And I am so thankful for each one…even on the not so pretty days. And I know I am not alone when I say that. The days where nothing is happening the way I imagined it would when I was single and childless. I was a "perfect" mom when I was single and childless - weren't you?…then the babies arrived and I realized what a selfish, imperfect, sinful mom I was. I laugh now at what I thought I would be! And all those things I said "my kids will never do", yeah I think we have accomplished all of them. 

I sigh….and rest in GRACE! Forgiveness! 

So hear is what I want to remember…

I am (and when I say I, I mean Jason and I) going after their hearts. I want a relationship with my kids…not a friendship…buddy, buddy. But rather a true relationship where their hearts trust me (us). I want them to know God's amazing grace. And I want them to know God's rules and the grace in those rules. I deeply desire for them to know rules aren't bad, but really freedom. Ironic isn't it….freedom in rules?? I didn't understand that always. But think about it. Very basic rules bring freedom. 

DON'T kill - why? So you don't end up in jail - there is NO freedom in jail. 

I know that is pretty obvious, but that's where we start…basic rules. 

DON'T cross that street without looking both ways - why? so you don't end up badly hurt, in the hospital or worse etc. etc. There is freedom in this rule.

Rules are good. Very good. But there is more -  I want them to trust and know there is grace. I want them to see God's deep, unconditional love HE gives us in His rules AND in His grace. He is so good!

And here is the "thing" that helps me to rest…

I cannot save my children. Only my God can do that. 

Did you hear that momma….you cannot save your children. You are to be a good steward of the "gifts" God has given you. We are held responsible for the way we raise them but GOD is the one who saves them. 

And if you missed it there, did you ever think or realize that even one of Jesus 12 disciples fell away…

Here is the thing, I have to trust that God is sovereign over my kids heart. The good, the bad, the lovely, the horrible, the beautiful, the ugly…He is still God. Only he Saves. And only HE can take those "icky" things I listed above and make it beautiful.  I am praising HIM for this truth! 

And if you see us in Target check-out line and one of my kids is having a melt down, just know - we are in training and allowing God to turn that "ugliness" into beauty. 

 

The "FUNK"

Several of us spent the last few days sick. Not just a bit sick, but SICK. I will spare you the gruesome details, as I am certain you imaginations will not fail you. And, I am certain many of you have been in our shoes recently and maybe even worse during this blustery winter.

Thankfully, and when I say thankfully I TRULY, WHOLEHEARTEDLY mean it , it was short lived for each individual it invaded.
Here's the thing, when I am sick, which isn't too terribly often (again thankfully), it always forces me to stop. Stop dead in my tracks and take time to breath in and out and regroup and ask for help. I know, with out a tinge of ugly doubt, the LORD knew I needed that. He was calling me to just be still and humble myself to ask for help. It is almost as if he allowed for this to force me into complete stillness…after all, I hurt too much to move a silly muscle. And as I laid there, not moving with a little one next to me feeling as bad as I, I couldn't help but be thankful…for health and healing and the way our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Let me back up a bit before the death bug hit...Do you ever get in, what I like to call, a "funk"? You know, where you are just stuck in negativity, engrossed in the "other side" of everything, forcing smiles when all you want to do is just crawl in a corner and not talk. I was there the week before I was sick. A whole lovely week of "funk". My husband noticed, I know he did, but did not say a word. How does he do that?? If the tides were turned, I would be asking him 1,000 annoying questions to get to the bottom of his "funk" and then try to make it better. That's me - a fixer. The problem was, this hormonal "funk" of mine, I could not fix. He could not fix. This will show you the wisdom he has…my husband. Instead of trying to fix it, he just loved me and gave me space. Then come Saturday, after the fight with this loathsome stomach bug (and me finally winning), realizing the LORD was trying to get my attention, learning through sickness, AND a date night, he turns and looks at me as we are driving in his black SUV and says, "I'm glad to have my wife back". That was the first he said of it and the last he said of it. I knew he knew. I was right. I learn so much from him. His unconditional love for me does not waver and I feel so deeply and desperately blessed.

So if you are in a "FUNK", I get it. Take a second to breath deep and pour into yourself the healing of learning the lesson you need to learn…maybe the lesson is just be still and STOP.  Maybe the lesson is much deeper. Life is full of these learning moments and even at 32 I am still knee deep in learning…learning of my desperate need for my Savior and my desperate need for thinking before I speak.
I told a friend recently, after having been told the same truth by another friend, I am so thankful there is NOTHING I can do to make God love me more and NOTHING I can do to make Him love me less. What unbelievable grace He gives every second of every day - the grace that makes us white as snow. (and snow we have had this winter…what a good reminder!)